


Booped

by jor77



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 01:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12377847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jor77/pseuds/jor77
Summary: "Damianhatedpeople booping his nose. Well, Damian hated a lot of things, but he fuckinghatedpeople booping his nose. Like, to an excessive degree. It combined three of Damian's pet hates (of which he almost has more than actual pets): childishness, invasion of personal space and confronting the fact that he's justadorable. Anyone who dared boop Damian's nose would experience an unparalleled level of violence...That's why Jason saved it for special occasions."





	Booped

Damian _hated_ people booping his nose. Well, Damian hated a lot of things, but he fucking _hated_ people booping his nose. Like, to an excessive degree. It combined three of Damian's pet hates (of which he almost has more than actual pets): childishness, invasion of personal space and confronting the fact that he's just _adorable_. Anyone who dared boop Damian's nose would experience an unparalleled level of violence...

That's why Jason saved it for special occasions.

Robin was sitting as calmly as anyone had ever been while blindfolded and tied to a wooden chair. He didn't know or care where he was, but he assumed it was some sort of warehouse judging from the way the sound echoed.

"Here's looking at you, kid. I'm sure the Batman will be here shortly to rescue his little maguffin." said Film Freak. "Wait until he sees wha--"

" _Pft_. You really think _Batman_ is going to waste his time on _you_ tonight?" snickered Robin. "You're even dimmer than I thought."

" _Oh._ " uttered Film Freak after a moment of silence. He sounded... _hurt_. "I just thought since I kidnapped _you_ that--"

"You do realize that Bane is back in Gotham? And there's a gang war going on between The Penguin's crew and Two Face's crew? Not to mention whatever Clayface is up to. No, Batman will not be gracing you with a beating tonight. It'll be someone lower on the totem pole."

"...Nightwing?" Film Freak asked, hopefully.

"You wish."

"Batgirl?"

"No."

"Spoiler?"

"Nope."

"Red Robin?"

"Goodness gracious no, I would not allow it."

"Black Bat?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Batwoman?"

"Nah."

"Bluebird?"

"I don't even know who that is."

"Batwing?"

"I'm running out of ways to say no."

"Who then?!" exclaimed Film Freak, frustrated.

"The Red Hood, probably." answered Damian.

"...Better than nothing I guess."

"You clearly don't know The Red Hood very well." quipped Robin.

"Well while we're waiting, I've got a fun idea!" said Film Freak. "Let's re-enact one of my favourite films, Reservoir Dogs. You've probably never heard of it."

"Everyone's heard of Reservoir Dogs you swine!" growled Robin.

"You can be the cop and I can be Michael Madsen." Damian heard the _click_ of a switchblade being opened.

"You do remember what happens to Michael Madsen at the end of that scene, right?"

"We'll be making some creative changes in our little remake." Film Freak fumbled his phone out of his pocket. "Bear with me a sec while I get the song ready... _aaand_ , ah there we go." 'Stuck In The Middle With You' by Stealers Wheel started playing. Film Freak yanked the blindfold off of Damian's head and walked back a few feet in front of him.

Damian watched, mortified, as Film Freak rested his phone on the floor and began poorly imitating Michael Madsen's dancing from the torture scene in Reservoir Dogs. He pointed the switchblade at Damian's face.

"Tell me, you feelin' lucky, punk?"

"Ugh, that's not even the line from Dirty Harry you piece of garbage!" yelled Robin.

"You talkin' to me?" asked Film Freak, continuing the embarrassing dance.

"This is more torturous than getting my ear cut off."

"TIM ROTH TO THE RESCUE!" roared The Red Hood as he swooped in out of nowhere and took out Film Freak with ease.

"Finally." huffed Damian. "Now turn off that song before it gets stuck in my head forever."

The Red Hood bent down to the phone and paused the song. "I wasn't expecting a 'thank you', but a little appreciation would be nice."

"What took you so long, _Hood_?" quizzed Robin.

"Dunno, maybe someone higher on the totem pole would have gotten here faster."

"...You were hiding in here this whole time." drawled Robin.

"You two had a fun back and forth." defended Red Hood. "You know I love that shit."

"-tt- Just get me out of the restraints you imbecile." ordered Robin.

"Hm." said Red Hood, stroking his chin. "I could do that. _But_... Your arms and legs are tied down, and your nose is _right_ there..."

Robin's expression went from bored and annoyed to pure terror. He went straight as an arrow. " _No_."

"I'm gonna boop it."

"You will _not_."

"I'm gonna boop it."

"How about I boop your nose with a fucking crowbar, like The Joker did?!"

"...Ooh, now you better _believe_ I'm gonna boop it."

Hood bent down again and restarted 'Stuck in the Middle With You'. He did a much better job of menacingly dancing than Film Freak. " _Well I don't know why I came here tonight_ " he sang. He took a step towards Robin.

"Don't do this." pleaded Robin. Futilely jerking against his restraints.

" _I got a feeling that something ain't right_ " Another step.

"Please."

" _I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair_ " He was getting closer.

"I will kill you. I will end your life on this Earth."

" _And I'm wondering how I'll get down those stairs_ " There was nothing Robin could do. Jason raised his index finger.

"There's no going back from this." warned Robin.

" _Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am_ " Red Hood booped that motherfucking nose. Damian's shrieks of terror and rage echoed throughout the warehouse. " _stuck in the middle with you_ "

'I'm so gonna pay for this' Jason thought. 'Worth it'.


End file.
